I was excited about crashing a party for the movie Machete. These types of events are hard to crash, and I heard the cast would be there (I figured that wouldn’t include Robert DeNiro or Lindsay Lohan, for the obvious reasons).

No line here at the Machete party.

^{Photo by Josh Board}

I showed up an hour early, and there was a line all the way around the block for people waiting to get in.

Rob Bachman, a guy I knew from high school, was waiting in it. I asked him how he heard about this and he said, “I saw an internet article that said something about the Machete movie party, with free beer, tequila, food, and movie clips. They initially said it was a screening, which was inaccurate. So, I headed over to Fifth and J, because…well, I’m down for any or all of the above. It got me out of the chaos of Comic-Con, but into the chaos of the Gaslamp and a huge line.”

I told him I wasn’t going to wait, and headed to the Hard Rock Hotel, where I heard an even bigger party was brewin’.

I showed up and saw lots of well-dressed folks going in, and lots of gawkers watching them all. It was weird to see Levar Burton standing near a doorman smoking. One guy said to his girlfriend, “That’s Levar Burton.” She said, “Who?” And he replied, “I’m not sure who he is, but he’s a popular actor. I think he’s the dude that wore those weird sunglasses on Star Trek.” She looked at him again and said “No, I don’t think that’s him.” The guy was now angry and said, “You think I’m just gonna pull a name like Levar Burton outta my ass?!”

I tried talking my way into this party, but didn’t have any luck.

I stood there for a few minutes checking out the scene.

One guy walked by who everyone thought was Kid Rock (who wears sunglasses at night, unless they’re Jack Nicholson or Kid Rock?). Another guy that walked by people thought was Patton Oswald. Nope. Just a short, nerdy guy who looked like him.

There was a person with three boxes of 8 x 10s, with every celebrity imaginable. When someone would come up, he’d sift through and see if he had a picture to get autographed. He obviously does this as a business.

I saw him getting one guy with a beard, but had no clue who it was. I just know he had one friend working with him, who would run over and tell him who it was.

I grabbed a coffee nearby, made a few phone calls, and then headed back to Machete to see if I could talk my way into that.

A reporter earlier told me he was set up to interview the cast, but they cancelled that on him. So, I used that line. The woman wasn’t really buying it, but she called her boss over. That lady said, “No, we aren’t doing interviews. But if you want to come into the party, that’s cool. I can let you in.”

I felt bad I didn’t bring Bachman with me. I called his cell to get an update on what he was doing.

“There are actually two huge lines out here. I saw Danny Trejo and some other cast members talking to press people.”

He’s the actor that’s appeared in a number of Robert Rodriguez films, including Predators, which is out now.

He’s got the leathery face, muscles and tattoos on his chest.

This movie started as a fake trailer in the Rodriguez movie Grindhouse. And I don’t think this version looks good.

The line for alcohol was long, but I did go up to the cart and grab a street taco. The guy serving them looked a little like Robert Rodriguez, but I didn’t want to say that. There’s that whole thing about thinking someone from another race looks like someone; they might get offended thinking that you think everyone of that race all look alike. And, besides…guy might not even know English that well and it would be a confusing conversation trying to explain all that.

The taco cart was cool. It had been re-painted with all the various characters from the movie around it.

Servers were taking tacos and bringing them out to the crowd.

There were also about 25 lowriders, and a handful of go-go dancers doing their thing.

A few tables had various car club people that I could hear discussing their rides.

As they slowly started letting people in from the line, I noticed that everyone was fighting over the movie posters they were giving away. Some people were trading. It reminded me of the geeks at Comic-Con trading Magic cards.

The poster of Lindsay Lohan has her in a nun outfit, licking the blade of a knife. The Michelle Rodriquez poster seemed popular. Everyone was trying to trade away their Steven Segall posters, though.

I called Bachman to get a check on his progress. He was still no closer to getting in and was getting annoyed with a guy named Holland, from Atlanta, and a few drunk girls behind him. I taunted him by saying “Well, I’ll have a shot of tequila in your honor.”

Instead, I went over and grabbed a bag of Fritos on another table. Hey, there were no lines for bags of chips.

I overheard one woman say to her friend, “I usually hate if my boyfriend is staring at women at parties, but since these are go-go dancers and you’re supposed to look at them – he gets a pass.”

After checking out all the cool cars, eating four tacos and still not wanting to wait in line for a free beer, I headed out. It was weird to leave a party I had been at for less than an hour. They didn’t even show any clips of the movie at that point.

I emailed Bachman the next day, saying, “Weren’t those tacos awesome?”

He said, “I’m a vegetarian, so I wouldn’t know. It was awesome that Robert Rodriquez was serving them.”

I responded, “I know, the dude looked just like him.” He called me up and it was his turn to taunt me. He said, “It was him. They made everyone in line go to the taco truck and get a taco and a ticket, to stand in another line. I was in lines for over two hours, but it was cool seeing him. I’m a fan of his movies – Desperado, Spy Kids, From Dust Till Dawn.”

I told him all of those movies had great scenes, but weren’t good films. He continued on.

“I was caught off guard seeing him. He was like, ‘How’s it going?” I felt like I know him, because of his work. I took the taco and said I enjoyed his movies. He said ‘Right on, man. Thanks. Good to see you.”

I was ready to hang up, a little bummed that I recognized Seth Green in sunglasses and a beard, passing out ice cream from an ice cream truck the day before, but couldn’t recognize a popular film director. I said, “It also sucked that none of the cast were at the party.”

Bachman laughed and said, “Dude, you left way too early. They showed the Machete trailer, and Rodriguez got up on stage and brought out Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez. They introduced a seven-minute clip and concluded by telling us that the small intestine is 10 times longer than the human body, which made the scene at the end of the clip – at least mathematically – plausible.”

I’m guessing at that point, you’re glad you didn’t have any tacos. How did the movie look?

“It looked fun, in the Tarantino vein. After the clip, the music came back on and the party resumed. I ended up with the complete set of movie posters and had a good time.”

I told him since he gave me the scoop on the things I missed for leaving early, I’d give his bandRocket Surgery a plug. I said, “Hopefully, that’ll help sell-out your next show.”

Instead of thanking me, he simply said, “I’m also in the band Five Miles High.”

Musicians.

They’re never happy with anything.