Dear Alondra,

My Ex-husband is a "Disneyland Dad." He picks up our son on the weekend, let's him stay up all night, won't dole out any discipline, and brings him back late on Sunday. Then, I have problems with my son on Mondays because he's tired and wound up from all the fun. If I ask my Ex to try to get him home early or help him with his homework, his answer is "How hard is it? It's 4th grade." He ignores my request to help discipline him and bring him home at a decent hour. Please help me, I'm always the bad guy and my Ex is the hero, but it's not helping our son!!

Thanks!

Mad Mommy

Dear Mad Mommy,

My heart goes out to you because co-parenting children with an Ex can be so hard, but with some work it can be done very well. That said, it sounds like your Ex wants to be your son’s best friend, rather than his father. This is such a common problem, but it can happen with any weekend-only parent. They miss their child, feel badly about the situation and often compensate by giving the child everything they want in their short time together. Hence the term Disneyland Dad! They take the child to a fairytale place; act as a friend and partner in crime, which is why there is no discipline happening. You can’t discipline your friend! The problem is that “party all the time” attitude does nothing but set the child up for failure and unrealistic expectations of the other parent. Of course, this leaves you the role of Mommy Killjoy that has to bring your son back down to reality nagging him about homework, chores and getting up in the morning! Your Ex’s attitude has made things a lot more difficult for you, but here are a few tips that can help get things on the right track.

I know you’ve tried talking to your Ex, but you know who you’re dealing with! He’s your Ex for a reason, so think about how are you going to get him to understand that what you need is for him to be a parent to your son. If you’re on decent terms, ask to talk to him and explain your side of things calmly. You may be angry and resentful, but remember you are trying to get him to see your side. If you yell or blame him he’ll only get defensive and likely use it against you with your son. He can then turn and say you’re a mean nag, so don’t give him any more ammo to make you look like the bad guy.

Instead, attack his ego by stating that you know how important he is to your son’s life and that he has a real knack at getting him to do anything. Tell him you know that he wants your son to do well at school and that you know he loves him by setting responsible limits. Then share with him what works for your house, but it's important to understand that you can't control what goes on at his place. Be sure to ask what works for him at his house and then listen carefully. Resist the urge to scoff or correct, then hopefully you'll have way more info about what they're really up to. Also, try to focus on collaboration and consistency as keys to good parenting. Then don’t forget to tell him how happy you are to be working together, reiterating that you know how much you both love your son. It may sound like a load of lies at first, but remember you're on a mission to help your son and yourself in the long run! This is when that old saying "you get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar" becomes your mantra and remember now is NOT the time to blow it by bringing up past issues. Instead, come to him as a team member that understands he has a critical role to play, even if you hate his tactics. I've often seen this reaching out approach make even worse situations turn around quickly.

Now, if your Ex isn’t receptive at all and your son’s schoolwork is being affected, then you must act quickly! Call the teacher, explain the weekend arrangement and ask that they contact you as well as his father if any issues come up on Fridays and Mondays. Let him get a phone call from the school about late work or tardiness and see what he thinks. Either way it’s always a good idea for the school to have both parents' info in order for you both to be informed of any behavior or academic issues. If you’re the only one on the registration card then you will have to relay the info to his father if you want him to act on it. You can’t have it both ways! If you want his support, then you’ve got to give him access to the info. You can have the school do it by requesting that they send him duplicate grades and the same for any discipline issues.

You can also arrange for a few weeks of your Ex taking him on a Saturday- Monday schedule that way he can deal with your son in the morning. Once he sees the aftereffects of his lack of setting limits, he’ll probably be more willing to set some ground rules with you and stick to them. Mommy, my dear, this is such a complex issue and I feel for you. Do your best and remember that your Ex may never change his parenting, but at least your son has a good mother who cares enough about him to expect the best!

xoxo,

Alondra