Dear Alondra,

My niece, Jennifer, is an exotic dancer and supports her two children as a single mother. She and her former husband divorced when he became involved with drugs and couldn't hold a job. Jennifer is healthy, doesn't use drugs, and she has a realistic outlook on life. Moreover, her children are well adjusted, healthy and are fine students. I think she is a good mother. While Jennifer confides in me, she hasn't told her parents that she's a dancer. Instead, she lied, telling them she's a waitress. Her father, who is my brother, lives on the East Coast, so he doesn't see his daughter often. He is a conservative, evangelical Christian and he would likely disown Jennifer if he knew what her actual occupation is. I'm not sure how her mother would react to the truth. My concern is this... whenever I talk with my brother on the phone, he asks about Jennifer, and I feel like a hypocrite for colluding in her occupational deception. I've asked Jennifer to speak honestly with her parents, but she refuses, saying that harmony is more important. What are your thoughts about this???

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Ohhhh this is a tough situation your little niece has put you in! You’re stuck between loyalty to your brother and respecting your niece’s wishes and trust in you, yuk! Usually, I’m a whole-hearted “honesty is the best policy” chick, but in this case I hesitate. Here’s the truth: I think the weight of the repercussion outweighs the burden that you bear by keeping her secret. If your brother would actually disown his daughter for her line of work, then it is best not to ruin their relationship.

I suppose you could continue encouraging her to talk openly and honestly with her father, but you must be willing to support her if she does by talking with him together. Frankly, I think it makes very little sense to throw a grenade like, “Hey Bro, you’re daughter’s a stripper and we’ve been lying to you this whole time, so sorry.“ The result would most likely be disastrous and all of your relationships could suffer. I’m sorry, but you’ve got to take it for the team here! Do let her know that you don’t like lying to your brother and are only obliging for her sake. Also, next time you're on the phone with your brother and tempted to spill the beans, remember that sometimes keeping the peace is the greatest gift you can give your family.

xoxo,

Alondra