Dear Alondra,

I'm stressed over my "relationship." The best part of it is that we could be the best couple in the world, and nothing could get us down. On the other hand, small things trigger fights and it turns into the worst night ever. I understand that we both have faults in our relationship, I think he knows it's two sided as well. We've been together for 4 years and had a break up that lasted nearly a year. We have a lot of mutual friends, and when we have considered breaking up again, we try to remain friends, but can't seem to be without each other. The main problem is, he thinks I don't like to have fun, when the truth is I just don't like the recent friends he is choosing to hang out with. I have plenty of fun hanging out with other friends in my life. My problem with him is that he drinks too much, at least 4 days a week, but "isn't an alcoholic". Is there a way to save this relationship? I'm his first love, and I've never loved someone more than I love him. We want to work it out, but it seems so impossible sometimes...Is there help?

Sincerely,

Anxious for answers

Dear Anxious,

I’m sorry you are stressed out about your relationship, but it seems like you have some good reason! No one really tells us that being in love isn’t all flowers and french kisses, do they? You ask whether the relationship can be saved, and my answer is ANY relationship can be worked on, improvements can always be made and love can give you the energy, patience and sheer will needed to make it happen!

That said, love cannot conquer it all, and nothing can be salvaged if both parties are not on the same page with what adjustments need to be made in order to move forward. My main concern: you think he has a drinking problem, and he doesn’t agree. He thinks your no fun, and you know that you are. But, you don’t want to play with his new friends, nor do you want to be in the beer pong couples' competition this weekend! So, it’s clear that there are huge discrepancies in what the two of you think is wrong with the relationship.

Unfortunately, nothing can be done until you sit down and discuss how you feel. Have you tried talking to him about how his drinking affects you? Have you tried doing it while he is sober and not hung over? More importantly, have you tried when you are not angry? I’m also wondering if you have truly considered that he may always be a social drinker, as many folks are? Since you don’t say that he’s gotten a DUI or had a series of bar brawls to show him that clearly he’s drinking too much, it’s time for you to make him understand why you don’t like it, plain and simple. Are you bummed because when he’s drinking he is a different person? Is he more aggressive or -- god forbid -- abusive towards you? If he is abusive and endangering you in anyway, then you must cut ties immediately, tell him that despite the amazing love you have for him he needs to get his priorities strait and his sloppy shit together before he darkens your doorstep ever again.

Even if it’s not that dramatic of a situation, you still need to tell him that while you love him, you don’t love his drinking. Give him solid examples of how he has offended you or those you care about while drinking. Also, give examples of times when he has chosen drinking over spending time with you and how that’s hurt you and your relationship. Such as, “Last weekend at my nephew’s birthday you flaked because you were too hung over, and Billy was crushed that his uncle wasn’t there.” He needs to know how it affects you, those around him and his reputation. Less likely, but still possible is that he may actually like how drinking affects him such as giving him confidence or making him seem more extroverted or he may say its his way favorite way to relax with his boys. You can listen to his reasons and frankly, without knowing him I am reluctant to label him as an alcoholic, but basically if his drinking is affecting his work, his school, his love life (we already know it is!) or his family life then it’s fair game for you to bring it up as a serious issue that needs to be worked on in order for you to remain in his life.

The next thing you need to do is bring up the fact that he thinks you’re no fun. Does he expect you to drink in order to have fun? Personally, I am allergic to alcohol and don’t drink, which freaks people out! However, I am here to say that you definitely do not have to drink to have fun!! Also, it is merely a projection of his own desire to drink if he is pushing it onto you; if he drinks alone then it seems more creepy and addict-like, so he wants to be around those that like to drink to normalize that type of behavior for him. You mention that you like to have lots of fun, just not with his new friends. Why is that? Are they a bunch of jerks, or do you not like them because they take him away from you? Whatever your reasons, figure them out and lay it all on the table for him to hear. Maybe he didn’t realize that his new BFF is so obnoxiously loud and crude that you’re embarrassed to be seen with them. Or maybe he doesn’t realize that his friend’s girlfriends are cliquey, leaving you stuck with strangers that you don’t like while he parties on. Either way, you have to share with him exactly why you don’t want to spend time with his party people; your boyfriend needs to know why he should stop doing what he wants to do for you.

You want to be careful because he will get defensive, much like you would if he suddenly gave you a list of the 10 things I hate about you and your friends. Assume that he will start finger pointing, lobbing gems at you such as, "If you were more fun I wouldn’t have to drink so much," or "I wouldn't have to always be out with my friends if you weren’t so boring and went out with me." So, disarm him by starting with, “Honey, I know it may seem like I don’t want to have fun anymore, but it’s not that. It’s that I think these things are fun." And list them: shopping for our apartment, seeing funny movies, going to a nice romantic dinner just the two of us, etc. Let him know that if he cuts back on his drinking and does more things with you, then you will be more willing to hang out with him and his rowdy friends. You are simply asking for a good balance, and perhaps you can strike a deal. If you two can have Friday date night, then you can volunteer to be his Designated Driver on Saturday night. This lets him know that you are down for the give and take. Also, making a generous move like that can get him and all of his friends to cherish you like the queen you are! I wish you the best, but if he isn’t receptive then it’s time to cut him loose and find a guy that is more interested in you than his buddies and booze.

xoxo,

Alondra