Dear Alondra,

I’m gay, and I want to have a wonderful ceremony of love to celebrate my long time relationship with my partner. We are perfect for each other and have been together over 5 years. The only hang up is that we are both Latino and our families seem to tolerate that we are gay, but aren’t really supportive. My mom is the best out of all of them, but my dad and his parents pretend that we are “just best friends.” How can we get them to be happy for us as a couple and treat this ceremony as a real wedding?

Signed,

Wedding Woes

Dear Woes,

I’m proud that you want to go forward with a celebration of your commitment despite the lack of support from your families. Also, don’t feel alone! This is the case with many straight and gay couples, and it makes even the joyful event of a wedding seem like a burden. Start by recognizing your awesome mom and asking her for support. Then make a mental list of your family members that know you’re gay or would be ok with it when they find out, then recruit them as allies to your cause.

You’ll have to work harder with the rest of la familia, yours and your partner's, to get them on board or at least to respect your relationship. You can start by talking with each set of parents about a time when they’ve been faced with racism. As minorities, they should be able to share a story with you when they were made to feel like a second-class citizen. Next, question them about how can anyone rationalize taking a whole group of people then denying them rights, ANY kind of rights? State that this type of self-righteous, mean behavior is the opposite of how they taught you to behave and not how you choose to live your life. This may or may not be true, but remember that you are coaxing them to see your side of things, not pointing out their faults.

Remind them that you learned early on that this was called discrimination and that you prefer to treat all people as equals. Ask them how they would feel about depriving anyone the right to be happy. Explain that your family is an important part of what makes you happy as a person. Follow that with, while you love them, you also have a life with your partner and are very happy together. Tell them that he is the love of your life and you want to have a celebration of your commitment to each other. State that you'd like them to participate as if this was a sibling’s wedding and you don’t want your relationship to be discriminated against in the family. You’d like the same respect your other married relatives get. Also, let them know that while you’d love financial support, all you really want is for them to be happy for you.

That said, be prepared for a dramatic reaction. Also be prepared to have this conversation more than once while planning your party. You know who you’re dealing with, but I’ve found that even the most homophobic families can be turned when they make the connection that this really is veiled discrimination. Some cannot, but at least the truth is out and you know where you stand. You also know that they chose bigotry over family, and that's a shame.

Personally, I think marriage or gay marriage is something that should be a given and, ideally, a non-issue. Marriage is the union of two different people who love one another and wish to be committed to each other in front of their friends and family. Try to get the families to understand that love is always a time for celebration, and looking at it from that perspective can help them see you and your partner as a real couple -- one that deserves a party just like the rest of us do, Cheers!

xoxo,

Alondra