Dear Alondra,

I don’t understand what is with my friends lately! Maybe I keep attracting people that don’t want a real give-and-take friendship. It’s like everyone only wants to be superficial (“hit me up on Facebook” or the classic, “we’ll catch up next week”), when in reality no one wants to actually hang! When I ask them to hang out there is always a string of excuses, or they don’t answer. I don’t like feeling like a stalker, but what do you do when your friend that you love hanging out with doesn’t care as much? These are the same people that always seem to be able to get a hold of me when they don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend or need something from me. As soon as I help them out or give them advice, they disappear. Why has everyone become so selfish? Is it just San Diego? I’m ready to cut everyone off and start over somewhere else.

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

It’s definitely not only happening in San Diego! This is an issue that keeps coming up, so much that I’ve dubbed it the “bad weather” friend syndrome, and it afflicts a large part of society everyday. Honestly, I see this a lot and so do others; trust me, you are not alone! I think we have all dealt with this at some point in our lives.

This is different from the "fair weather" friend variety that wants to hang out only when things are good and wants to share the good times with you, but is MIA when you are having a problem. The “bad weather” friend tends to only spend time with you when things are going badly for them. Suddenly they're your best friend! They get right back to you when they need something, whether it be advice on breaking up with their boy/girlfriend, fighting with another friend or want help moving out. It all changes when you need them to help you. They don’t return your calls or get back to you after the fact. This naturally makes you feel resentful and taken for granted, but if you say something they just pull further away, or, like you said, have a string of excuses.

Absolutely, people have become more selfish! Clearly it has to do with our relatively new ability to communicate and entertain all at our fingertips. Now we can be in our own little world and avoid all things social unless it is exactly what we want to do. So the return phone call, the dinner out or going to the movies falls by the wayside and so does the natural compromise that makes up all relationships. How many times have you gotten a call, looked at your phone and not answered because you didn’t want to talk? You like that person, so you text or email them, but you don’t really want to chat. This is a growing disconnect to basic human communication skills, and it is scary.

I also think many of us have a blurred version of what friendship and relationships entail. We often underestimate the time and effort it takes to have any kind of real relationship. Nowadays if you dare to put a demand on your friend such as “let’s go out this week” or “I need your help tomorrow,” they retreat. Why? Frankly, it’s likely because it’s not on their terms. That’s the new, “I’m gonna do me” attitude that seems rampant, and if you’re a sensitive or kind person, it's really hard to deal with because you actually care.

What you’ve got to realize is that you require more from these people than they are willing or able to give you, which is sad because you sound like a good person with a good heart. Your choices are to continue to play the role of “needy” friend that chases these “bad weather” pals around, or you can find some real friends that share the same qualities that you cherish and deserve in return. Try reaching out to those that have the same interests such as colleagues or your friends that actually want to hang out with you. I know it will take some time, but the sooner you focus on yourself and meeting quality people the happier you will be. Best of luck!

Xoxo,

Alondra