Dear Alondra,

I’m barely in my thirties, and I am seriously tired of all the pressure I get on a daily basis from people about why I don’t have kids. At work, in the community or when I’m with my family -- it just seems to be everywhere! It’s gotten even worse now that several of my friends have had children. I’m not sure I even want to have children, but I know I don’t like this constant “you need to join the club” attitude everyone seems to have. From what I can tell parenting is not something to play around with, and most of the parents I know seem totally miserable. I’m also over the accusations of being selfish because I’m not exhausted, broke and still like to go out. What is the deal with everyone and how do I get them off my back?

Not a mommy

Dear Not a Mommy,

I’m really glad you wrote in because there’s definitely a strong push from parents toward those of us who don’t have kids to “join the club.” Many women have grown tired of strangers, friends and family badgering them with questions about why they don’t have children or when they’re going to settle down, do the right thing and start a family. First of all, what’s wrong with not wanting children? It’s a free country, isn’t it? Next, why is it widely assumed that those who choose not to have children are selfish? This is simply ridiculous!

This common way of thinking is due to the standard “family values” that have been ingrained in our minds for generations. Boys are supposed to grow up to be successful breadwinners and little girls grow up to be mothers. Any deviation leads to questioning from those around you. Despite women now having successful careers, we’re still being told that in order to be truly fulfilled we must also be mothers. If not, they’re at high risk of being labeled a cold, work-obsessed bitch. It’s total nonsense, and I’m hopeful it’ll continue to improve in the future.

On the other hand, it’s inevitable that as your friends and family follow the game of Life, they get married and buy two cars and a house. The assumed next step is to have children. Fine. We get it, but why is it that women have to suffer the brunt of the pressure from friends, family and society alone? Why don’t men get battered with questions about giving up their careers to have babies and being good fathers? It’s frustrating that women have to deal with incessant pressure while men are rarely questioned by anyone other than their mothers. You also mention that you’re tired of accusations of being selfish when you’re simply living life and happy. I totally agree with you! Why is that selfish? Knowing what you want in other arenas of life is rarely considered selfish, so it’s time to put a stop to it now.

The ways you handle this can vary and here’s why: family and close friends deserve at least a conversation about the issue. For example, if your best friend recently had a baby and is glowing about her little angel, she may want to know more about your personal stance because she wants to share with you the magic and wonder of her new-found motherhood. That’s very different than a virtual stranger prying into why you do or don’t want kids at the checkout line and they should be handled differently, of course. The friend or family member with questions or concerns can be handled by simply explaining that you’re not ready for children, but they will be one of the first you tell if and when you are ready. The stranger, coworker, etc. can be told, “No I don’t have any kids, but I have nothing against those that do.” This is important because so many people assume that if you don’t have kids it’s because you hate them. Which is not always the case! If they continue pestering you then you can let them know that the topic of motherhood is a discussion better suited for another time. I have yet to have someone push past this statement because it’s a gentle reminder that they are being too nosy and this is not the right time.

The hardest to deal with are your parents, and it’s because they love you and have a vested interest in your life and especially if it involves their potential grandchildren. You’ll need to be firm and repeat yourself often, but be aware that telling them that you’re not ready and may never be ready for children of your own is the equivalent of crushing their dreams. Most parents want to see a little version of you running around that they can spoil and love unconditionally. You not having kids is like stealing their joy and will take them some getting used to; however, even the most die-hard “family first” parents will back off when faced with a calm, “Mom and Dad, I’m truly sorry that this may disappoint you deeply, but I don’t plan on having children and I need you to understand that I can no longer tolerate the pressure you and others keep putting on me about this.” Explain that you need them to respect your decision even if they hate it and you’ll see that sooner rather than later they will back off. It’s up to you to keep your cool while you express your desires and decisions to those around you; trust me they’ll take you more seriously if you do. Remember it’s your life to live and everything you do or don’t do is up to you! Don’t be embarrassed or allow others to belittle your choice own it, live it and love it!

Xoxo,

Alondra