For some historical background on bi-racial marriage, read about Loving Day here

I’m in a wonderful loving relationship with the man of my dreams. He is tall, dark and handsome and we love each other very much. There’s only one thing that has been plaguing us and kept us from taking the next step towards marriage. We are a bi-racial couple, I am Latino and he is African-American. Sadly, both of our families seem to disapprove! His parents think he should only date black women and don’t seem to care for me. My parents think I should not be dating a black man at all because they want me to marry a Latino. We've been keeping our relationship a secret from my parents and they think we are just friends, but now we want to get married. How do we break the news to them? Please help!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Wow, it is sad that this is still an issue in this day and age, isn't it? First off, my poor girl, you guys shouldn’t have hidden from anyone. You should be proud that you are in a loving and wonderful relationship! That said, I understand why that would’ve seemed easier at first, especially with the family issues you mentioned. Both of you know your families well and probably didn’t want to go there until you were sure the relationship itself was worth it, but the deception won’t make it any easier to break it to them. Now not only are you going against their values, but you’ve lied to them.

Speaking of their values have they actually come out and said that it’s unacceptable for you to be with a African-American man? Are they that blatantly racist? Or are they more subtle like, “we like Black people we just don’t want you to marry someone that doesn’t understand our culture.” The reason I ask is because if they are blatant racists then it is easier to deal with. You simply point out that you do not subscribe to their archaic and alienating way of thinking. Which is why you refuse to compromise your personal values by allowing their racism to guide your life decisions and if needed walk away! If they tend to focus more on you being with a Latino because of culture, values and language barrier, then you need to attack it in a different way.

Start by talking with them alone and come clean about the relationship right away. This goes for both you and your man. He needs to handle his family the same way, so you two are on the same page. Tell them that you were afraid to share your good news because of their beliefs and you didn’t want to disappoint them. However, as your relationship has blossomed into something more serious you need to share this because you want them to be in your lives and support your love. Be prepared for crying and screaming, but hold your ground. They will be upset because you lied, but you need to remind them why you felt you had to keep this from them in the first place. Explain that they raised you to follow their values and you are proud to be a Latina, but you cannot follow all of their supposed values because they are stained with racism. If they disagree, ask them to explain for once and for all why they don’t want you being with a Black man. Most likely they will say that you won’t find happiness with someone who doesn’t understand your Latin roots or speaks your language and they may even say that his family won’t accept you. These are all valid concerns and you can let them know that you are dealing with those differences together. Be sure to explain that you understand that your relationship may not be favored by them or the rest of the world and you are well-aware that bi-racial couples deal with a lot of crap from narrow minded people everywhere. However, they raised you to be strong and tackle situations head on and that is what you plan to do. I would also let them know that he is speaking to his family directly about their concerns and you both want things to be as amicable as possible because you are going to forge a life together.

Regardless of his or your family’s reaction to the news that you two are in love and moving towards marriage, you need to rely on each other to find strength and persevere. Relationships are always a gamble, but remember that in life we tend to regret the things we didn’t do rather than what we did. So, talk with your families, but if they don’t come around quickly move forward with your lives and rejoice in your love! Good luck and take care of each other…

Xoxo,

Alondra